Update on myself

I'm kinda feeling a little empty inside. I don't know what to do about it at all, but I know I have to stop this soon before it goes to far. At least I can recognize the symptoms and I know that things need to change. Yet again, Meg must change and adapt to a situation from which she didn't come out favorably.

What else is new? Is this ever going to change? I mean, am I just doomed? Will I forever just rinse wash and repeat these same sort of scenarios? Or will I actually find someone who wants to care about me? I'm having a hard time being optimistic. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe its this extreme lethargy. I need to do something about it. But what does one do? I know what I need to do, and I know what will help. Its not as bad as it sounds, but still. It just sucks. I'm tired of always having to fix myself. Why do I always end up broken? Why can't I just stay sane for once? Why do I even have to care? I mean I do care. Most just think I'm a cold hearted bitch who never thinks twice about disowning those who scorn her, but that's not true. It hurts me. It genuinely hurts me. I don't wanna be the cold hearted bitch. But it's what I have to be in order to get through this. In order to build more walls so I don't get hurt again. Even though I always do somehow. There's always something new. You think you're safe, but you're not.

This sounds so whiny, but seriously, It's just not fair! Why can't I cash in my karma points now and find the love I crave? Seriously? I just don't understand. I know I've always believed in there being reasons for everything, but this is ridiculous. What reason is there for me to be upset and alone AGAIN? Why? Why don't I get to feel wanted or loved? I can't see anything that I've done in my past to deserve this time and time again. It's been almost 3 fucking years!! Give me a freaking break dammit!

What really sucks is that I could have had something at the beginning of this summer, but no... I decided that I was better suited to wait for false hopes. I knew better. I always know better, but do I ever listen no.

I too fucking stupid to ever listen to my gut or to my mother for that matter. :sigh: So maybe I'm not as over it as I say I am. I guess I'm just confused. Because I know I'm a great girl, I know I'm not hideous, and yeah I've got some extra weight on me, but I feel like my personality and talents more than make up for it. So why am I alone? Why do the objects of my affection never give a fucking damn?

Who knows?

I'm tired. It's four am. I'm probably getting sick. These rants mean nothing. No one reads this bullshit anyways.