What the fuck was I supposed to think? Did you really not think about that? You know how much I care about you.... Are you really that stupid? Jeez, and to think I was really really serious? I feel like such a god damn fool. Seriously I've been fucking played like a fucking fiddle. I should have KNOWN better.... Burn me once shame on you, Burn me twice shame on me.... how many times has this been? Too many. Why are you my friend? Why do I care so much about you? Why does it fucking matter?
You have no idea how not only angry I am, but I am genuinely hurt. Genuinely. If you're supposed to be my friend then why did you even let it happen? Why? Didn't you know? You should have known! Gah, I really wanna just tell you to stay the fuck out my life forever, but I can't. Thank god I have another month till I have to see you again.
I just really can't wrap my head around why... why you would kiss me when you should fucking know that I would go there. Of course I would, it's practically been everything I've been wishing for since Rum Punch night. I thought the fact we were sober this time meant something! Apparently not. Apparently I'm just the shiksa whore... just something ya gotta get outta ur system before you meet the nice perfect Jewish girl of your dreams.
I'm really fucking tired of trying to be the girl you want me to be when no matter how hard I try I can't change the family I was born to or the faith I was born to. Even though I don't look at God as a religion with a stamp, I look at it as a being that is around us always regardless of how we percieve or worship it. I don't even really identify as a Christian! I don't think there's anything else I could do. I'm out of options. And I've wasted this whole damn summer thinking maybe you'd really care about me. And maybe you do, but not enough and not in the way that I deserve.
You know what I've been through, yet still you led me on. You knew you were doing it. Maybe you only suspected, but isn't it better to be safe than sorry. Now you're fucking sorry. You're feeling guilty. And you should. You know what you did. Now you have to live with it. And I have to get over it, like I always have to.
It just gets so freaking old having to constantly be strong and get over heartache. It gets old never having the guy feel the same way you do. It gets old wishing and hoping that maybe this time I'm gonna be what you want and need. I'm out of options. I've forgiven you after the first time, I've been cruel, I've been nice, I've been supportive, I've been passive, I've been aggessive, I've been sarcastic, I've been sincere. There is nothing else I can do. I'm empty. You've used me up. I have no more emotions left right now except quite a big of rage, but I know it gets me nowhere.
Sure this is petty writing this here where you will read it, but I want you to read every single word. I want you to feel just as fucking bad as I do right now. I want everyone to know what you done to me this summer. I wanna make you suffer like I have this whole time just holding onto this small small chance that maybe just maybe you could be someone I could openly care about instead of trying to hide it from everyone, which btws they know.
Yes, I'm glad you at least finally told me, but you took your sweet fucking time to do so. DON'T YOU EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN! If you do so help me God you will feel my wrath. That is not a threat that is a promise. I'm so mad at you right now. So fucking mad.
Eventually this anger will subside, and yes I'm being dramatic right now, and yes eventually things will go back, but they can only go back so far. I told you before that I could not promise you I would not be hurt or angry. You knew that going into this. Why did you even give me any hope at all. Why? Did you ever really think you'd be able to get over it? Really? I think if you did you fooled yourself just as much as you fooled me. I really was convinced. Maybe I'm just desperate for someone to care about me. Maybe I'm an idiot.
Thank God I've been shown the light. Maybe I can salvage what I have left of this summer and by the time I have to see you again I'll be okay. I'll be moved on, and we won't have to avoid eachother.
I'm am sorry if this did hurt you. But I'm just trying to show what you've done to me. You started it.
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