My Aunt is Dead (repost from another blog)

My Aunt Kathy lost her battle with Cancer this morning around 5:30am. I can't make the services because of school.

It seems like she's been fighting this fight for a long time but she was only diagnosed a year and half ago. Only a year and a half for something so random to eat my Aunt from the inside and destroy her. I've blogged about her before and now the day is here that she's gone. I'm shocked at how torn up I am. The last time someone close to me died I didn't know how to cry. But they were older and not someone I had grown my entire life with. Someone who was always so healthy and beautiful. I don't understand why someone like her would have to die.It makes no sense. Kathy was devout, health conscious, beautiful, a wonderful mother, and just everything you could ever want her to be. It makes no sense to me why her of all people? Not that I would trade another member of our family for her, but it just never made sense. Why would God if he exists take a woman like that away from her family? Why does Bailey deserve to grow up without a mother? What did her family do to deserve this? What did she do to deserve all that pain? The amount of suffering she must have endured this past year and a half.

I'm just so shocked at... how much this has effected me... her passing... i just didn't expect this much emotion... we'd been expecting it.... for 6 months now my mother has told me to keep funeral clothes at the ready. But now that it's here.

Maybe I always held out a little hope that she would get better. Can you blame me? The kind of person she was, it just doesn't make sense that she would go so young.

I've never really dealt with the fact that she's dying, I've never kept in touch with the blogs, or the walks, or anything, I just put it off and figured I'd have more time. I'm out of time. She's gone. Now I've left a comment on the blog with my condolences and I'm out to buy a sympathy card soon, but still, I don't think it will ever make up for my detachment. I'm guilty of stepping back and watching the events without feeling. I feel I should be punished for such selfish behaviors. Her family has to deal with so much, and I just her neice can't even handle this one thing.

It makes me worry about my own parents mortality, everyone's mortality. Anything can happen and then in a year and a half, you're gone. It's terrifying.

And now... I have to go back to the real world. I have to go to class, go to work, go to sing, go to dance, read my texts, speak in japanese, and make everything happen perfectly. Honestly just to get through work tonight I'm going to have to majorly detatch, but I'll make it work. I always do.

I may not have been so close to Kathy, but I'm going to miss her. I don't know what happens when we die, but there has to be a heaven for people like her. Or if H.P. Lovecraft was right, then Cthulhu take us now.